I Think Banana Clips Might Be Out of Vogue

I would much rather overpay for a haircut than have to do math in my head. That’s why I subject myself to a “no tipping” salon where everyone wears black and treats the banana clip holding up my bun like a diseased relic.

At this salon, there is always at least one dude wearing makeup and black leather pants and I spend a lot of time getting shuffled from one holding area to another. But I endure it because at thirty-seven years old, I can no longer introduce drastic change into my life.

Because my regular stylist is very busy juggling three clients at once, I spend a lot of time with her assistant. As far as I can tell, Tiffany’s only duty is to wash my hair and keep the conversation flowing, even when I’m faking sleep.

She always asks me if I have a boyfriend and I always have to tell her “no.”

I can tell Tiffany feels sorry for me because I have gray hairs and no boyfriend, so she offers me a free facial and makeup. Which I decline because I don’t like people touching my face and besides, I have to get back to my kids who are puking at home.

Now Tiffany is devastated because I am a single mom with no plans for the evening.

One time she tried to talk with me about the Real Housewives of the Whatever, and I had to break it to her that I don’t watch TV.

“You don’t have a TV?”

“No, I have one. I just hardly ever watch it. I don’t know why.”

I am a lost cause.

Finally, finally, Tiffany gives up.

It’s times like these I miss my old Ukrainian stylist, Nadia. I broke up with her ten years ago and still have to hide when I see her at the mall. But even though she spoke no English, wielded her scissors like a weapon, and gave me the highlights of a skunk, we always spent our time together in amicable silence.

And when you’re thirty-seven with gray hairs, no boyfriend, and puking kids at home, there’s a lot to be said for that.

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9 thoughts on “I Think Banana Clips Might Be Out of Vogue

  1. Kate

    This is not only hysterical, but it rings true for me, completely. When I left Montreal, and my faithful stylist (also named Nadia; Lebanese, not Ukranian) behind, I had complete coolness and credibility with her.

    Then, over the next two years I got married and had children, and subsequently was serially monogamous with about five different salons.

    I don’t know where the shift happened, but somewhere in there, I became completely uncool. Probably when I started complaining about pregnancy hair loss and awkward regrowth and wore yoga pants every day.

    And now, I go to the salon and my (male) stylist things to me like:

    ‘you must really need a break. we’re glad you’re here.’
    ‘are you sure you want a cut that requires you to blow-dry?’

    Maybe he could just shut up. That’d be good.

    How the mighty have fallen.

    Thanks for making me laugh. It’s so so true. Even if you don’t wear banana clips or have puking kids at home.

    Reply
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  3. Life in Eden {amy}

    Ha! This is totally me. Despite having a mother in the once-a-week salon trip generation (she was definitely socially tied into the salon where she has gone longer than I have lived) — I am not good at chatting up the staff. I’d rather close my eyes and just wait til it is done — kinda like my visit to the dentist last week; I was so quiet with my eyes closed, so the hygenist asked if i was ok.

    I like the new format, and sorry I haven’t been around. I had feed reader issues, was using two different ones and now I’m all a mess. LOVED the grocery store post, so totally have been there!

    ps — sorry about the puking :(

    Reply
  4. BROTHER J

    Always entertaining Rima, kinda reminds me of my old “Racist” Barber many interesting conversations, but a wee uncomfortable. so I had to find me a new one that could cut a good flat top, and that is hard to do. Everyone seems to get all worked-up when a “flat top” gets mensioned.

    Reply
  5. Clare

    Funny and true! I am not one for small talk at the salon. It is my time for silence, and my time to read the latest issue of People or Us. My stylist, who is young and single, and does a faboo job on my hair, loves to talk. Last time, I started telling her a boring story about my kids. I don’t think she opened her mouth the rest of the appointment. Talking about “boring” mommy stuff? Works like a charm.

    Reply
  6. ridgely

    I have been going to the same ‘sylist’ for 24 years- he is more like my brother than anything else. We have a great relationship- only problem is, I hate the way my hair looks- he says that is my problem- I told you he was like my brother. Oh, and the last time I went- my new pastel wool coat from Talbots was stolen off the coat rack!!!

    Reply
  7. domestic extraordinaire

    I can’t tell you the last time I had my hair cut-well I trim my bangs but that doesn’t count. Every flipping time I find someone I like that does a good job and is reasonably priced, well they stop cutting hair after a while. Last time I had someone I didn’t know (but came highly recommended) cut my hair she decided she wanted to blow it straight and then flat iron it and then decided she needed to make a couple of adjustments to the hair right around my face. Now…it does crazy things and stands out on the sides when I pull it back (which I do 85% of the time) and also, I hardly wear my hair straight because it is too much hassle.

    p.s. I guess Banana clips bring out the rants in me….sorry!

    Reply

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