Category Archives: I crack myself up


Lithuanian is a delicate language. We like to use the diminutive whenever possible, managing to make even the most sinister of words if not altogether cheerful, then at least palatable. Even if we’re trying to tell you that your butt looks big in those jeans, we don’t want to offend.

Unfortunately, this cultural tendency carries over into swear words, which was always a problem in grade school when kids would ask us to say a bad word in Lithuanian and the best we could come up with was, “You toad. Go pee upside down.”

I was poking around the Internet today, doing research for one of the many projects that has precluded me from writing much on the blog lately, and I found a treasure trove of friendly Lithuanian curses. They are perfect for those occasions when you’re hopping mad, but a child or old person is within earshot. The next time somebody wrongs you, try one of these:

“Kad tave perk?nas vidur? dienos trenkt?!” (May you be struck by lightning in broad daylight.)

Kad tau pilve nerimt?” (May you get an upset stomach.)

Or, worse yet, “Kad tau sk?tis pilve išsiskleist?.” (May an umbrella open inside your stomach.)

Kad tave zuikis subadyt?.” (May you be mauled by a rabbit.)

Kad tavo kakta nuplikt? – ant pakaušio kuodas likt?.” (May you go bald only in the front and have a tuft of hair sticking out in back.)

Kasyk sliekui pažastis.” (Go scratch a worm’s armpits.)

Kad tu ištintum, kaip avilys.” (May you swell up like a beehive.)

Kad tau ežys keln?se išdygt?.” (May a hedgehog sprout inside of your pants.)


Have a nice day! And may your children never draw on the floor in pencil.

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When Science And Life Collide

I came home from choir rehearsal last night to find the P-Dawg beside himself with glee.

WE ARE NOT CHIMPANZEES!!!!” he announced as I knuckle-walked through the door.

I immediately put down my banana, stood upright, and joined him in the family room, where P-Dawg breathlessly informed me of the discovery of Ardipithecus Ramdus or “Ardi”, the fossil that has usurped Lucy’s claim to fame as mother of humankind. It’s the sort of news that has many scientists drooling over their pocket protectors, and the P-Dawg even more so because one of the members of the research team that discovered Ardi just happens to be a former professor of his.

I immediately went online and read all about this long lost biped cousin. It turns out she stood about five feet tall, weighed 110 pounds, and was in desperate need of a properly fitting bra.

In other words, she’s me, only furrier.

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