Category Archives: fake news

Woman, 37, Refuses to Apply for Store Credit Card

A woman was escorted out of Pleasantville Mall Friday morning after an altercation with a Victoria’s Secret employee who was pressuring her to open a line of credit.

It all started innocently enough when Chelsea Tyler, 16, advised Rima Rama, 37, that she could save 10% off of her purchases if she applied for a store credit card.

“But I’ve been down that road before and I know where it leads” said Rama, “So I was like, ‘No thank you’.”

Mrs. Rama’s demurral did not deter Tyler, who responded by stressing what a good deal Rama would be getting. When Rama declined again, Tyler asked if she was sure and quoted Rama’s potential savings using a dollar amount.

“That really pissed me off” said Rama, “Because it’s not like I can’t do fractions.”

Mrs. Rama responded by reiterating that she did not want to apply for the frickity-frackin’ credit card. “I have cold, hard cash burning a hole in my pocket, Chelsea,” Rama was quoted as saying, “And I want to buy five pairs of underwear with it.  Do you have a problem with that?”

Tyler then went so far as to ask Rama why she didn’t want the credit card, stressing the future perks that she could reap by using it.  Witnesses report that a visibly irritated Rama responded, “It’s none of your (redacted) business, OK?”

Tyler didn’t like Rama’s attitude, but wanted her to understand the kind of deal she was passing up. “So I was like, ‘You’re crazy not to apply for this credit card, lady.”

At that, Rama got all up in Tyler’s grill and screamed, “I’ll show you a credit card!”

Tyler, feeling threatened on a personal level, pressed the panic button and within minutes mall security arrived to escort Rama out.

“I didn’t even get her email address so she could receive special offers and promotions.  And if she had just taken  few moments to fill out our customer survey, she could have gotten 10% off her next purchase, too.”

Rama was later seen in the cosmetics department at Saks, swatting away a perfume saleslady with her purse.

Some parts of this story have been completely fabricated. But not too many.

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Local Woman Caught Sleeping With iPhone

A Cleveland woman was caught by her husband Tuesday morning sleeping with her iPhone. “I went to kiss her goodbye before leaving for work and noticed an object sticking out from underneath her pillow” Dr. P-Dawg stated. “It was her iPhone.”

When confronted, the woman, Rima Rama, 36, admitted she had fallen asleep waiting for new Facebook updates.

“My friends never update their status anymore. I refresh, like, every five minutes and I’m lucky to get some kind of lame YouTube link or Farmville update” a frustrated Mrs. Rama said. “But I have to keep checking, because the alternative is being alone with my thoughts.”

Dr. P-Dawg has advised his wife on numerous occasions to go offline at least an hour before bedtime to help avoid insomnia. “Here is a woman who depends on her white noise machine and Tylenol PM to fall asleep every night, yet she is up until the wee hours of the morning checking her Twitter stream with eyes bugged out in opposite directions.”

“I don’t want to miss any Shit My Dad Says,” Mrs. Rama confided. “Plus, my internet friends are like real people to me. I depend on them to tell me what I should think, feel, and buy.”

Dr. P-Dawg, who recently joined Twitter in a list ditch effort to communicate with his wife, stated that he’s had it up to here with this crap. He reportedly put the iPhone on top of the refrigerator where the diminutive Mrs. Rama could not reach it, but she quickly retrieved it by standing on a chair. “I’m addicted, not stupid,” she said.

An intervention is planned for sometime next week.

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