Are They Deaf?

I bet Julie Andrews didn’t lose her singing voice from that botched surgery.  I bet she severed her vocal cords yelling at her kids from the bottom of the stairs.

Before I had children, I never yelled from the bottom of the stairs. I had better things to do, like paint my toenails, read a magazine, or organize photographs into neatly labeled albums. I seem also to recall wandering aimlessly around the mall and trying clothes on, just for fun.

Now, if I’m not standing at the bottom of the staircase screaming like a gym teacher, it’s only because I’m standing next to the rear passenger door of my SUV with my eyes pointed heavenward, uttering “You think I have nothing better to do than stand out here like some kind of chauffeur, freezing my butt off while you climb in? Jesus, Mary and Joseph, just get in the car!”

Through clenched teeth, so the neighbors wouldn’t hear.

From the bottom of the stairs, I yell things like, “If you’re not down here in two minutes, we’re leaving without you and I’m not even kidding!” (a lie) or, “Hey, V-meister! I asked you a question! And if I don’t get a response in the next five seconds, I’m coming up!” (A bold faced lie.)

It’s almost as though my kids are willfully ignoring me.

And that’s why it’s so hard to understand why every time I turn on the vacuum cleaner, a child materializes next to me in two seconds flat with a sudden inexplicable desire to chat.

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10 thoughts on “Are They Deaf?

  1. Becca

    It’s sometimes a little alarming to read your blog because your kids are like three years ahead of mine but your life sounds EXACTLY LIKE MINE. OMG. I guess I’ll have an intercom installed. Or buy a bullhorn.

  2. Kat

    HAHAHAAAA!!!!! Oh man, you crack me up!!!! And your Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. HAHAHA!!!! Too funny.

    Lately I have been saying, “Oh, Lord have mercy” a lot and the other day after I said it my Ben said, “Christ have mercy.” I just about crapped my pants. I said to Todd, “Well, at least people know we take them to church!” ;)

  3. Hippo Brigade

    I vaguely remember trying on clothes just for fun.
    And then leaving them in a giant heap and skipping off to Gloria Jean’s for a coffee drink.
    Now I’m lucky if I can hold the pants up to my waist to see if they fit before buying them.

    Ahhh, the good ol’ days.

  4. amy

    Happens on a daily basis here. Yelling “comeon girls let’s go” and I am the one who is hard of hearing!LOL

  5. Faiqa

    I’m so relieved to find out I’m not the only one who does that “If you don’t answer me in five seconds thing…” I always feel like a jerk right afterward. And also after my kid says it to ME the next day, which she inevitably does.

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