I joined a new gym earlier this week and got suckered into a personalized fitness assessment.
“So, what are you going to make me do?” I asked the consultant after we made our introductions. “I better not puke.”
He led me to his office and we started with an interview.
“What are your fitness goals?”
“Goals? I guess I’d like to lose ten pounds and stop being afraid of the resistance training machines.”
Next he wanted to know what my current exercise regimen was.
“I don’t have one.”
“Are you sure? Bike riding? Swimming? Walking the dog?”
“Nope.”
He made a few notes and then asked me to tell him what I eat in any given day from daybreak to sunset. I couldn’t believe my luck. There is nothing I love more than itemizing my food intake, but rarely do I come across anyone willing to listen with genuine interest. For example, when the P-Dawg comes home from work and I say, “Do you want to know what I ate today?” he always says, “No.”
I began to happily recount everything I’d put in my stomach since Monday. At first J.B. (that’s my fitness consultant) thought I might not be eating enough, but then I owned up to the occasional ice cream cone or glass of wine with dinner.
“How often do you have a glass of wine?”
“I don’t know, a couple times a week maybe? What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?”"
“That’s bad” J.B. said. “Real bad. Did you know that a glass of wine is no better than a slice of cheesecake?”
“Are you kidding me? No it isn’t.”
“Yep, it is.”
“No it isn’t.”
“It’s true. I read it in a mens’ health magazine.”
“But how do you figure? Wine has no fat, and less calories per serving than a Coke!”
J.B. was relentless. “It’s converted into fat once it’s in your system. It’s like a sugar surge your body doesn’t know what to do with.”
“There is no way it can be as bad as cheesecake.”
“Well, it is.”
“That’s the most ridonkulous thing I’ve ever heard in my life and I refuse to accept it.”
There was an uncomfortable silence as J.B. and I stared each other down across the table, and then I said, “I’m just sayin.”
Next we walked over to the physical assessment area, where I had to stand on a scale.
“Can I take my shoes off?” I asked J.B.
“No,” he said, “I’ll subtract a pound.”
“I’m pretty sure my shoes weigh two pounds.”
J.B. gave me a stern sidelong glance, and I got on the scale, which showed a different reading from the one I’d gotten at home that morning.
“I know you probably hear this all the time, but I think your scale is slightly off” I said to J.B.
After that, he measured my BMI, strength, flexibility, and endurance. I had to pull on some weights with all of my might and this is just between you and me, but they didn’t budge. I did pretty well on the treadmill, but I bombed the flexibility test, which was clearly rigged because I can do a cartwheel.
Afterwards, J.B. showed me a big fancy printout which said I was 39, and not 37 like I always thought. But if I signed up for more P.T. sessions, J.B. felt sure he could whittle me back down to 27 in three to five months. He also said I reminded him of his sixth grade teacher and he figures my kids will be taller than me in two to three years.
Depite all of that and the cheescake debacle, he was a pretty nice guy and I signed up for a month of sessions. I start Friday, wish me luck!
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Good Luck!
Kelly´s last [type] ..Ive Got a Lot of Ballsin the air
I’m still just in awe that you can do a cartwheel. I can barely do a somersault. (Or spell it, apparently, since I just had to look it up to confirm that I had the spelling right. I’ll have you know I did get it right, which feels like an accomplishment. So I should go get some cheesecake.)
alejna´s last [type] ..I must have missed the fork in the road
Whatever man. Wine is good for your heart.
Hilarious post. I would not have been honest with him. I would have said “I eat two egg whites with spinach and tomatoes on whole grain toast for breakfast” instead of “I eat a handful of cookies and three cups of coffee standing up while microwaving my kids’ oatmeal. Why can’t I lose any weight?”
Becca´s last [type] ..Romance after twelve years
Good luck, Rima! I’ve missed my Rima fixes. It’s good to be back here, and the look is all new.
JCK´s last [type] ..House clearing- head clearing
Under normal circumstances I would say blow off his wine comments as the bitter ramblings of someone who probably doesn’t drink
Sadly, I think he’s right. We’ve been in India for five weeks and I have had one glass of champagne and no other alcohol other than that and I’ve lost twelve pounds already (okay so there might be some other factors involved, like all the snacking I do when I have wine and how there is nothing here to snack on that resembles food I enjoy). This also forces me to realize that I probably had a little too much wine with dinner on a regular basis back in the states.
Jennifer´s last [type] ..How You Can Help- Part One
Well, alcohol does have some calories in it, yes. But soda doesn’t have antioxidants, and hasn’t been shown to decrease death rates among moderate consumers. So there, fitness club man.
I wish you luck. My ass has grown a bit over the summer, with being in class until 11pm and sitting down all the time to study. I’m trying to ramp it up a bit as well.
(Also, there is no way sneakers weight a pound. At least 5, right? Right?)
I avoid those personalised assessments like the plague because they insist on telling me untruths, such as that a glass of wine = a slice of cheesecake. I’m willing to accept that it’s probably better for me not to drink, but it’s a logical leap to say a glass of wine is no better than a slice of cheesecake.
I have a site recommendation for you: Mistress Krista over at stumptuous.com has a wealth of no bull information on weight training for women. Plus she has a whole section on under-qualified gym instructors.
I do a weekly fitness blog update to track my own progress, since I just got started back at the gym after a hiatus. I would love to see you over there!
Nic´s last [type] ..A Festival of Feeling Sorry For Myself
Don’t listen to the guy Rima. My cardiologist says two drinks a day are okilee dokilee
good luck crazy lady. (oh wait, did I say that crazy thing out loud, sorry)
wine has calories, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t go right to fat (although eventually if you have consumed excess calories that is where they all go, sucky huh?) lately I’d go with wine over cheesecake any day.
Life in Eden´s last [type] ..Envy
I don’t know if there is any truth about that whole wine = cheesecake line he was trying to sell you. I’m not willing to take my chances, I’ll just stick with margaritas.
Becky´s last [type] ..No Rental Agreement
Oh God.
I eat a whole “cheescake” almost daily.
San Diego Momma´s last [type] ..Personal Microderm System Review Sort of
HAHAHA!!! Remind me to never get a personal trainer. My hubby is bad enough.
Kat´s last [type] ..The First
wine = cheesecake? fire the bastard.
(i mean… good for you! it’ll be great)
Painted Maypole´s last [type] ..I havent forgotten
Something tells me JB wouldn’t let me subtract 3 pounds for hair. What? I have thick, curly hair.
Good luck. If anything, it’s always good blog fodder
Great post – good luck with the resistance machines! I don’t know what he’s been reading, but I’m a T1 diabetic, which means I count every damn carb I put in my mouth. For every kind of alcohol except white wine I have to take insulin to cover it (insulin is the hormone that allows calories/carbs to proceed on their happy fat-making journey). White wine – nada. Red wine – a little. But – all those antioxidants!! Plus a glass (or two) of wine and you’re not so worried about being fat and out of shape anymore – good trade!
I want a personal trainer. To live at my house and make me smoothies and set up a daily exercise schedule to complete while he/she comes in to the office and does my normal job for me. I can see that working, if he/she can cook. Bonus points if he/she can do a good blow out job on my hair.
amy2boys´s last [type] ..Dear Sam
Well, how did it go? Have you scared off your trainer yet?
Jennifer´s last [type] ..How to Feel Bad Ass in India When Youre a Scaredy Cat White American Girl
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